Breathe
by Xxxx4evaSummerxxxx
Summary: Elena opens up to her mom about the unhealthy way she has been coping with her anxiety. / (one-shot) Trigger Warning: self-harm


**a/n: Hello ODAAT fandom! Have things changed since my last fanfic. Season 2 and 3 were released, the show got cancelled, then picked up by POPTV. I cannot wait for season 4 to air in March. It has really been an emotional rollercoaster. So this could take place after the season 3 episode ****_Anxiety_****. This is a one-shot about Elena. Trigger warning for mentions of anxiety attacks and self-harm. I would like to mention I have no experience with anxiety attacks. I tried to write in that POV with the best of my abilities. The slanted font is meant to represent a flashback. Also, I'd like to thank everyone who read, reviewed, favorited, or followed my fist ODAAT fanfic.**

Elena felt her heart race before anything else. She started having these anxiety attacks more and more recently to know exactly how they start. Her palms and forehead started sweating and she felt her arms shake. No matter how many times she has them, they still absolutely terrify her. They make her feel like she is suffocating or on the really bad days, dying. The heavy breathing started and she knew the one thing that would bring her back to reality. The scratching. She would scratch her arm until she was calm. The sudden jolt of physical pain would make her anxiety attacks shorter. Or sometimes when her anxiety level rises she scratches her arm to calm herself down and not work herself up. She never considered this a problem or even self-harm until Syd saw her scratches.

_"Babe, what happened?" Sad asked, eyes fixed on Elena's right arm. Elena was wearing a t-shirt and had just taken off her sweater as soon as they made it into her room. They had just spent the day at the movies, something they had not done since those guys followed them off the bus. She for sure thought she would have an anxiety attack today, but so far she had not. But that did not stop her anxiety from freaking her out all day. Jumping whenever someone who looked like those guys walked pass them. Or flinching whenever Syd would try to hold her hand._

_Elena looked down at her arm. It was pink, with a little bit of dried blood. She never made her arm bleed before, but today in the movie theatre bathroom she did. She just scratched and scratched until she couldn't feel. She wanted to have a good day with Syd. She didn't want her anxiety to ruin it. After she scratched and put on back her sweater, her and Syd had a great day. After having such a good day she had almost completely forgot about her arm. _

_"Nothing," She answered quickly, crossing her arms so Syd no longer had to look at it. She didn't plan on telling them about her anxiety. Things were perfect with them right now. "Just had a bug bite and I scratched it." She lied, hating herself for it. But she didn't want to ruin the nice day they had with such heavy conversation. _

_"That doesn't look like a bug bite scratch." Syd said as she walked closer Elena and put their hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eyes. " I love you, you can tell me anything, you know that right?"_

_Elena nodded. "Of course, my Syd-nificent other," Elena said hoping the use of the nickname would put them at ease. Syd sighed. "I have a confession," Syd said as they moved from close to Elena to her bed, they look a seat. _

_"Alex told me about your anxiety attacks and told me how to get you through them in case you ever had one when we are together. Today at the movies I thought you were going to have one." _

_Elena felt betrayed. Anger rushed through her body as she almost stormed off to talk to Alex. "Wait!" Syd called out. Elena turned around to face them. "Please don't be mad. I would rather know than not know. I want to be able to help you. Please let me be there for you." _

_Elena joined Syd and sat on her bed, her anger melted away by Syd's __sincerity. Elena took a deep breath. "I scratch my arm when my anxiety gets the best of me. It calms me down." She finally admits. She had no idea the secret scratching was weighing her down like it was. Saying it out loud almost felt like a relief._

_"Elena.." Syd was speechless. Elena felt her eye's water at the softness of their voice. "You need to tell someone. That is self-harm." Elena flinched at the words and crossed her arms in defense. "No it is not!" She was in complete shock. This was not like any self-harm she knew of. She wasn't cutting and she wasn't depressed. _

_"Babe, please tell your mom. I can be there with you if you'd like. But you are intentionally putting yourself through physical pain. There has to be a better way to get through an anxiety attack."_

After that she had promised Syd she would try her best to stop and tell her mom. Elena hasn't had an anxiety attack in a week, so she had been able to keep her promise of not scratching for the past seven days. Today's hit her hard. She began scratching without even thinking about it. Once her heart stopped racing and she was able to breathe at a normal pace, she texted Syd. _I'm telling her today. _Almost instantly Syd responded, _I'm so proud of you, you got this. Call me after._ Accompanied by two red heart emojis. She knew once Syd explained it as self-harm she needed to get help and tell her mom.

Alex was away at baseball practice. Her grandma was out running errands. Her mom was in the living room studying. Elena suddenly felt guilty for interrupting her mom's study time. But she quickly pushed those feelings aside as Syd's comforting words ran through her mind. She knew it was now or never. Knowing she would only do this once no one else was home. Elena made it out of her room and into the small dinner table and sat across from her mom.

"Hey mom," Elena's voice was shaky but she tried her best to steady it. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Her mom looked up at her, Elena saw the concern in her eyes. "What's wrong?" She knew her mom would pick up on her nervous energy, but she didn't want to freak her out.

"Nothing," She assured quickly. "Well nothing is wrong now, it's just-" Penelope cut off her rambling and put her hand over Elena's. "Tell me. It's okay."

"When I have my anxiety attacks and I feel like I can't come down from it," She stops because felt a tear roll down her cheek. She didn't think she was going to cry. Penelope wiped her tear. " I sometimes scratch my arm to calm myself down. And at first I didn't think anything of it. It worked for a while. But Syd found out and they told me it was technically self-harm but I don't get how it could be because it helps me." She says really quickly unable to look her mom in the eyes. She is sure her mom would tear up at her confession.

"My baby," Penelope started. "Thank you for telling me. That was very brave of you. I know you must be so scared." Elena was suddenly wrapped in her embrace, having no clue her mom even moved chairs to be closer to her. Elena just let herself cry while she was being hugged.

"I've been keeping it a secret for so long," Elena admits. "I just needed to tell you as soon as I felt good enough to do it. I am so sorry I interrupted your studying." She said needing to get the apology out there, seeing her tears land on her mom's notebook.

"Do not ever apologize for telling me anything," Penelope said, holding Elena's face and wiping her tears. "And I know you may not think of it as self-harm because that is not how it is typically described, but Syd is right. It is. If I'm around when you have an anxiety attack, after I want you to come to me. Or your brother. Or anyone so you can talk to them. Even Schneider."

Elena looked at her mom, puzzled what he could possibly do. Penelope laughed. "He is surprisingly calming, and I'm sure he'd be more than happy to help you." She explained.

"You don't need to resort to something like that in order to get you through an anxiety attack," Penelope said as Elena felt her eyes water. "I promise."

"But they won't stop," Elena argued. "No matter how good of a day I'm having they just happen and it's not fair."

"I know baby, and I'm so sorry." Penelope comforted giving her a kiss on the head. "But scratching isn't going to change that. It's only going to mess with your brain. Making you think that hurting yourself is the best way to deal with it is not good for you."

"How do I stop?" Elena asks, even though a part of her does not want too.

"Well, I know it will take a while to adjust, but instead of scratching, you have to remember to breathe. I know how ridiculous it sounds. But deep breathing and focusing on what is real helps."

Elena took some deep breaths. "See baby, you got this." Her mother encouraged with a smile.

"And my group therapy has really been helping me, so if you want me to find one for you, I can."

Elena didn't know how to feel about strangers knowing her secrets, but she would be lying if she said she hadn't noticed a difference in her mom after the group therapy sessions.

"Thank you mom."

"No problem, baby." Elena got up from the table and tried to make her way back to her room. "Where do you think you're going?" Her mother asked her.

"In my room?"

"I need to put some anti-itch ointment on your arm, so it can heal."

"No!" Elena quickly argued, no way her mom was going to see what her arm looked like.

"We are not arguing about this." Penelope said, as she got up to get the first aid kit. "Sit."

Elena did with hesitancy. She took off her sweater, folded it and put it on her lap. She looked at her right arm. Since she just scratched it, it was red.

Penelope came back and sat down, she put on the anti-itch ointment and bandaged it. Elena knew that wasn't really necessary, she assumed her mom did it so she wasn't tempted to scratch there again. The anti-itch ointment felt cold and soothing on her skin. She tried not to look at her mom's face while she did it, because she knew there was a possibility she might cry, which would cause her to cry, and Elena did not want to cry anymore.

"You're going to be okay," Penelope promised. "You just have to remember to breathe."

Elena kept the words with her._ Just breathe. _She repeated in her head, like a mantra.

"I love you."

"Love you more, mom." She got up, put on back her sweater, and hugged her mom tight. She knew how lucky she was to have her. Have someone who understands exactly what she is going through.

"Love you most." Penelope said, as Elena walked away to her room. She grabbed her phone from her nightstand and texted Syd.

She knew that her anxiety attacks are still going to happen. But she also knew she had an amazing support system that would help her through anything. While it would take a while for her to stop depending on scratching to calm her down, she knew she could do what it takes to get through it in a healthy manner. She just had to remember to breathe.

**a/n: I hoped you liked it! Like I said before I don't know what it is like to experience an anxiety attack, so I hope the description was okay. But I do know what it's like to depend on self-harm as a way to calm down. It's what I use to do. So please if you are struggling with self-harm try to talk someone you trust. I know how scary that can be, but I promise recovery is worth it. I'd also like to disclaim I don't think taking deep breaths is like the cure-all for anxiety attacks. I know different things work for different people. I recently started having, what I think are panic attacks, and the advice of taking deep breaths and counting has helped me. Which is what inspired this. Hope you have a great day!**


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